i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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