I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
