i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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