I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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