Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
how does that bad decision feel?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
