My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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