Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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