I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
