There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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