Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
