one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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