i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
