I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
