I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This baby is an asshole
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
