I'm jealous of your bromance
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
