well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
