I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
