An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I believe in your delicious
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
