it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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