god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Randomize
