my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
COCAINE IS GR8
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
