The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
