I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
