It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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