I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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