this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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