I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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