I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
