Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
