I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
