She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
