Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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