There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
