We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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