I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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