The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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