I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
