When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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