My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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