I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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