The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
