Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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