So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
