yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
