Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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