My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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