Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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