mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Let's get the cat blown out
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
