Rock
Scissors
Fuck
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Randomize
