Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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