Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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