Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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