I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
