on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
