i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
